Open letters

Dear Elder Holland,

Thank you for not aiming your righteous anger at me, but at everyone else. Also, thanks for helping me to realize that my testimony of the Book of Mormon wouldn't even provide a filling meal if your testimony devoured it.

Dear Elder Bednar,

Thank you for making what could have been a formulaic talk about the importance of the family meaningful and deep. And thanks for actually trying to correct common practices in the church, like scoring points from pulpit.

Dear architect of the McKay building,

That first step outside of the doors to the building is completely unnecesary. And marking it with a black line isn't going to stop me from hurting my ankle each time I forget to step down.

Dear couple that sits in the front row in Doctrine and Covenants class,

You are absolutely disgusting. Your constant pawing and fawning over each other is more pornographic than if you were both sitting there naked. You're killing the Spirit. It is not cute that you are constantly trying your best to meld your two bodies into one only seperated by the armrest. If you can only keep yourself an inch from breaking the law of chastity in a religion class before you are even engaged, no one is going to buy it when you say you are worthy to go to the temple.

Dear female member of the aforementioned couple,

I'm not the only one in class that thinks you sprained your wrist while engaging in inappropriate activities.

Sincerely,
Tim Browning