Tuesday, October 20, 2009

In which I pore out my soul to my readers

I was a pretty rotten teenager. Self-centered, rebellious, and an altogether brat. I try not to think about it too much because of how much I regret my life choices then, but I was lying in bed just now and there is a lot on my mind. I think mostly because my little sister is a pretty rotten teenager now, and she reminds me a lot of me at that age. And it makes me really, really sad for her because I know how lonely my life was then and I imagine that is how she feels too.

I've moved past all of that blatant rebellion, obviously (though I still have a hard time being obedient all the time). I made it to BYU, I didn't get kicked out though have been quite close on occasion, I somehow made it to the temple, I developed a relationship with my Savior. I completely changed my lifestyle from one of selfish materialism to striving for unselfish communalism, if there is such a thing. I've rejected much of my previously-held ideologies and even political philosophies. In the past few years and especially since I married Tim, I'm finally comfortable with myself and really love who I am. I love my friends, I love my family, I especially love these two handsome guys sleeping on the couch next to where I'm sitting, I love my life completely. I'm trying to embrace my faults and my strengths; I'm working on being the kind of mom a kid would want to have. I'm trying really hard to love everyone, to not hold grudges, and to see everyone the way the Savior does.

But in spite of this, I feel like I have not properly made amends for my misdeeds in the past. I don't know how to say a lot of this and don't know how reach all of these people to apologize. How does one even begin to apologize for things so far in the past that most have forgotten?


  1. During spirit week of my junior year, some girls in my grade wore shirts that said, "Save a horse; ride a junior." Being the self-righteous bastion of morality that I was, I decided to write a scathing article in the school newspaper essentially calling these girls skanks. Looking back, I've never felt so bad about something in my life.
    Like you said, these people probably don't even remember, but I wish somehow I could apologize to them anyway. If you find a way that works well, let me know. Otherwise, I'm afraid this silly event will haunt me far longer than it should.

  2. I think the apology is the way you life your life right now. The way you treat people today.

    People can say "sorry" all they want, but only someone who changes how they act is truly repentant.

    I think you are very different today, and you move forward, and that's it.

  3. I know EXACTLY what you're saying. Any time I start thinking about my teenage years I have to stop because I just feel..overwhelmed. And I have to remember that it's done and over with and I'm a good person these days and that has to count for something right?

  4. I like what Miss. Frazzled has to say about living your life as a symbol of your love and respect for those around you. I think this is a lot of it, but I also think that hand written letters are the greatest, and when we has time to sit down and write loved ones... we should do so. It takes courage, to apologize, but I I have a lot to learn about being charitable when you don't feel like it. Pray for charity my hubs says, pray that you might be filled with the spirit of forgiveness. I love the feeling when you feel love for people and want to serve them, it is a good feeling! Thanks for posting this!

  5. it's funny how i think everyone feels the same way. i can say i completely understand. i was far from the ideal loving person in my life. and you know that. it's true, forgiveness is part of moving on and changing your life. you have to forgive yourself. I'm glad you have found so much peace. that is what i keep telling Nick. For the first time in really my life, i can say i am totally happy with my life, where i am, who i am. Doesn't me i can't improve (oh a lot a lot... i'm very selfish) but i am happy.

    To those who you can still reach out to, maybe say you are sorry. a short email. a message. heck, even facebook (message, though, not wall) :o) i've found that works WAY better than you could imagine. Usually the person has totally forgotten or feels it's there fault, and most of all, you feel peace. and you feel better. And secondly, try to move out. Pray for forgiveness, like the others have said.

    The true measure of the atonement is in how we live. i believe. You show your change in the way you change and try to live.

    Good luck, though. And don't beat yourself up about it. We have all done rotten stuff in our lives.

  6. I love you. And I feel loved by you. Always. Thanks for being there and never judging me.

  7. All right, I'm tired of reading this post... time to update... :)