It's time to talk about me having a crisis of faith. I actually wouldn't use the word crisis, because, while it has been difficult, I realized early on that being torn up about something as impenetrable to will as faith will help nothing. Faith transition might be a better word, but sounds more final and less dramatic than the situation currently is. I'm not really ready to to talk about all the details, but one of the results is that we have started going to the Unitarian church nearby as well as going to the LDS church further into town. To be honest, most Sunday's we have gone to the Unitarian church, although their 11am start time vs the 9am start time of the LDS has something to do with that.
I know this will be upsetting to many people. The LDS church is, if nothing else, a church of families, and so I recognize that anything looking like a move away from the church will be especially upsetting for my family. I'm sorry for the pain this might cause, but I do not apologize for taking responsibility for my own faith journey.
While this move will be hard for myself and others, I consider that move to be necessary in many ways. I've always been a very literal believer in practically every doctrine of the LDS Church. I've always seen things as black and white. I've lost that belief and I've lost that vision. Again, I don't feel the need now to go into any specifics, but I've come to a point where I can no longer support a number of doctrines and practices of the church as divine or even as good. I realize that it is not necessary to discard the whole church because of a few doctrinal disputes (although they are growing past "a few"), but coming from a place where I accepted church teachings 100%, I've been forced to reevaluate my faith from a very basic level.
This has led me for a desire to step back from the church, in order to try to find my place in it again, if such a place exists. While the Unitarian Church is great, and fills in a lot of the holes that have developed in my LDS faith, it is mainly, for now, serving as a place where I can get space from the LDS church without stepping away from a faith community all together.
I still have very fond feelings for the LDS church and a great hope that most of the things I have always believed are true. I'm not sure where the future will take me, but I hope that everyone reading this will grant me the respect of acknowledging the sincerity of pursuit of truth and resist the urge to place blame for my attempt at honesty here on our faithful blog.
I know this will be upsetting to many people. The LDS church is, if nothing else, a church of families, and so I recognize that anything looking like a move away from the church will be especially upsetting for my family. I'm sorry for the pain this might cause, but I do not apologize for taking responsibility for my own faith journey.
While this move will be hard for myself and others, I consider that move to be necessary in many ways. I've always been a very literal believer in practically every doctrine of the LDS Church. I've always seen things as black and white. I've lost that belief and I've lost that vision. Again, I don't feel the need now to go into any specifics, but I've come to a point where I can no longer support a number of doctrines and practices of the church as divine or even as good. I realize that it is not necessary to discard the whole church because of a few doctrinal disputes (although they are growing past "a few"), but coming from a place where I accepted church teachings 100%, I've been forced to reevaluate my faith from a very basic level.
This has led me for a desire to step back from the church, in order to try to find my place in it again, if such a place exists. While the Unitarian Church is great, and fills in a lot of the holes that have developed in my LDS faith, it is mainly, for now, serving as a place where I can get space from the LDS church without stepping away from a faith community all together.
I still have very fond feelings for the LDS church and a great hope that most of the things I have always believed are true. I'm not sure where the future will take me, but I hope that everyone reading this will grant me the respect of acknowledging the sincerity of pursuit of truth and resist the urge to place blame for my attempt at honesty here on our faithful blog.
No judgment here. Faith is not meant to be a static thing. We change. We learn. Trying to maintain faith at a certain level may actually, in my opinion, keep us from growing spiritually, and isn't spiritual growth the whole point anyway?
ReplyDeleteI look forward to reading more posts about where you're at with this, and how Unitarianism fits into it all.
I also look forward to knowing where I am at and where Unitarianism fits in, but I will do more posts, hopefully to figure it out for myself some.
DeleteI think it's ironic that I found your blog from your mormon.org profile. (Even though I knew you guys from pizza night.) I, too, am interested your faith journey. Keep us updated.
ReplyDeleteI stand by most of my mormon.org profile, I think, but it also represents a snapshot of where I was at the time. If I was to write a profile today, I'd have to update it tomorrow and the day after that.
DeleteI'll be interested to read about your faith journey. During the past few years, I've also been questioning and rejecting some of the black and white beliefs I grew up with in the LDS church. For a variety of reasons, I've chosen to stay and work through things. But one side benefit of my own faith journey is that I am now able to respect and support other people who question, doubt, and choose other paths. I wish you the best in your faith journey, and respect you for being authentic to yourself.
ReplyDeleteYes, that is one of the major things I'm sure I'll come out of this with, no matter where I end up: a very healthy love and respect for anyone going through the process.
DeleteJust wanted to evidence empathy and support for your undoubtedly consuming situation.
ReplyDeleteThanks, luckily, regular life is crazy enough right now to keep me from dropping into an existential black hole.
DeleteI feel similarly. I'll have to thank my kids, Super Why, and Lego for effectually saving my spiritual life.
DeleteI think you are far from being alone. It was in our early twenties that we realized that we had lost the belief in a "One True Church". I think people with a critical mind often find themselves at that place. We are indoctrinated into the faith as a child (Not something I'm against, I mean really all people indoctrinate their children into some belief system even if it is the belief that there is no belief system :) and then as we mature we realize some of the stuff we were taught just isn't true. I feel like our church is so militant about having the only truth, and everything having to be true, and so when I realized how flawed some of our history and present were it was definitely put me into a "crisis of faith". I finally came to a point where I decided it didn't really matter, as in the fact that I had my core beliefs, the stuff I was going to hold to as true because it resonated as such in my soul and teach my children and the other stuff I could care less about. But the Church is my culture, my family, my personal identity, the way in which I originally found God, so it's been difficult to know where to go with that. We've chosen to stay although we are fairly open about things we don't fall in line on and I do have to admit that sometimes it is a struggle for me to be faced with what I'd call some people's almost gleeful decision to not only be willfully ignorant but try to force that untruth on others as well as accept items of bureaucracy as doctrine and push that on others as well. It can be frustrating. Sometimes I wonder if there will come a point where I will decide that I can't do it anymore, and if that point comes where I would go. Thank you for your honestly and good luck on your own personal faith journey.
ReplyDeleteI prefer not to link to my name... is that bad? I guess i'm still insecure in the reality that I am going through this also. Like a lot of the previous people said, i think it's a heck of a lot more common than you think. I remember when i read your mormon.org profile that Caitlin posted online and for the first time I realized that other people felt like I did (something i have really only ever discussed with my husband). It's put me in quite a faith crisis and I am honestly just taking it day by day. Some days i come home from church so lit with anger...and vowing never to go again... but at the same time I just don't know. It is so much a part of my identity. My mom talks about it like it's the only thing and reading books my MIL made for my kids about our ancestors she includes pages and pages about how and when they joined the church. It is hard to figure out what to do because i'm not sure i believe there is a universal truth. I don't know. I believe in God... i'm pretty sure... but I don't know if I believe in a God who statistically is condemning more than half (more than that) of the entire populous. And heck, if I had been born in China or India or any non-Christian culture, i would have a cultural and religious identity that is so different. I figure that for me until i find something that gives me more hope/peace/understanding that I will continue on the road i am on. (on and let's add the fact that a lot of this was brought on by the indoctrination of children. I'm guilty of it and it kills me to be honest. To be teaching my kids something like it's the cold hard truth that I am not even sure i believe is the cold hard truth. And man... the Friend. I can't stand to pick it up anymore. It's hard...) I am rambling... Anyways, just know you are not alone. I actually really respect you for the strength you guys have to seek out your beliefs actively. It's not easy at all. My husband and I always talk about maybe attending other churchs, etc... but in the end I always get scared of the persecution that would come from within the church if they found out. Good luck... i look forward to watching your journey. Maybe you will be my inspiration to take a step of my own.
ReplyDeleteSaying something anonymously is better than saying nothing. It's nice to know that other people are going through the same thing. While I know that having a lot of people do something doesn't make it right or wrong, it is nice to know that you are not alone.
DeleteWhile I don't know what exact things led up to this juncture in your faith journey, I want to let you know that I understand. My own journey the past few years has been full of twists and turns, so I am well-acquainted with the inner turmoil along these points in the journey. I hope you find the peace, balance, and community that you are looking for.
ReplyDeleteNo judgment here at all. I'll be interested to hear more about your journey. I agree with what was said about faith - that it isn't meant to be a static thing. It is always evolving; as are most aspects of our life. Life would be incredibly boring if nothing ever changed.
ReplyDeleteTim and Cait,
ReplyDeleteI respect your decision and I agree with you that truth is found every where. I'm pretty sure I heard an LDS Church leader say that truth is found every where and that it's our duty to discern truth, accept it and live by it. I'll share an example from my own life. I'm a massage therapist and when I went to school I knew we'd learn energy work. Several people had cautioned me about energy work and how it might be delving into the "dark" side. So I experienced a bit of anxiety in the days leading up to acupressure classes. A student who had already taken some energy work classes told me that in was a bunch of crap. In class we learned about Chinese meridian (which are easy to accept, since it's ancient knowledge) and auras around people along with a bunch of other stuff. After our first lesson we of course practised on each other. Lo and behold, I definitely felt something... Energy points connecting and the flow of energy through the body and mind. Aha moment! The truth that our bodies and minds and spirits are energy and have energy flowing through them is a truth that was revealed to me and I accept it and continue to explore. I was so excited I called my brother up and asked to show him what I learned. He felt the energy work too. This was interesting to me because many of my classmates didn't feel energy when the gave or received energy work. I also started noticing that there were almost always white auras around paintings of Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. When I was looking at a picture of Jesus and his apostles, there where blue auras around the apostles and white around Jesus, white is a more pure aura than say blue, because white represents the purest energy. Then on my mission when I read Jesus the Christ, Jame E. Talmage wrote (I'm summarizing)that the Holy Spirit is a form of pure energy and that's why mortal eyes can't see the Holy Spirit and other heavenly beings as they are also made up of a purer energy (than mortals) unless mortals are quickened by the Holy Spirit. Imagine attempting to explain what I've learned about energy and healing to Church members. Some people still believe I'm crazy or imagining things.
I also think that when people say "the true Church" they mean that the Church has the truth about the Gospel of Jesus Christ, including the keys of the priesthood, temple ordinances, etc., not everything in the world.
For example, Elder Russel M. Nelson is a heart surgeon, he's learned many truths about the heart and the body and even developed new life saving procedures for heart surgeries. Those particular truths are obviously not taught in Church, nevertheless they are truths.
Truths are found in science, history, mathematics and yes, even in other faiths and religions by good and learned women and men who are not LDS. And we can learn of and accept those truths by acting on them and discerning truth from error. (Alma 32.) And the Book of Mormon (which I believe to be true and you may too) also says that "To be learned is good if they hearken to the counsel of God.(2 Nephi 9:29)
I wish you all the best as you continue your faith journey.
Namaste,
Lisa
My question for you Tim is do you believe in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit? Do you believe in Satan? If you do believe, do you also believe that God has a special plan in store for you and your family? I would also like to know how Caitlin feels about all this. Five years ago she knelt across the alter from you in the House of God and was promised eternal marriage. The only church that I know of that believes that families are eternal is within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am up early losing sleep over all of this. I think of you throughout the day. I have had a full range of emotions. I did not indoctrinate you when you were a child. I taught you what I believed with all my heart. God lives, Jesus is the Christ, the son of God, who atoned for our sins through great sacrifice and misery. The Holy Ghost is real. Satan is equally real and wants to destroy every vestige of your belief in God. Hold to the Rod.
ReplyDelete