Once when I was little...

I was in school when we had an assembly. They sat us down on the floor of the gym next to a guy who was next table. Apparently his job was to entertain us. He told some jokes and did some magic tricks and then moved onto his main act, which consisted of calling kids up and using them as ventriloquist (spelled it right on my first try) dummy, by his hand on their neck and and pressing their thumb on their neck when he wanted them to open their mouth. Seriously? A guy who's main act is manipulating small children? No warning bells going off in the minds of our teachers? Anyway, he had a girl come up first and he made her make some stupid jokes about how much she liked boys. But the key moment was when he stepped away to grab a prop, asking the girl to stay there. And the girl, instead of following his instructions, went back and sat down. Hilarious. It got the biggest laughs of the whole act.

I got called up after the girl and, being astute, remembered what the girl did to take laughs. So what did I do? What I always do: take something quaint and take it WAY to far. Actually I don't do that terribly often, but sometimes, and this was one of those times. Every time he pushed his thumb on the back of my neck, I stuck out my tongue and every time he gave me a chance, I walked away. He probably hated my guts, but all my friends were cracking up, so I kept it up. I was a pretty shy kid and was not used to such attention, so I was cracking up too. I was laughing super hard, so hard in fact, that I peed my pants. That is the only occurrence I remember of peeing my pants. Couldn't have come at a better time. Luckily not too many people seemed to notice. My mom even showed up for some reason in a crazy coincidence. That almost pushes this to seem like some weird fever dream, but it is not. I promise.

When it was over, we had recess, and all my 2nd grade friends were talking about how funny it was that I was completely uncooperative. And I was feeling good about myself. Wet underpants and all. However, there was one guy who came up to me, a 4th grader, probably, who asked me why I'd been so dumb and not just played along with the joke.

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