Tuesday, May 4, 2010

This post is about sex

I will try to keep this tasteful :)

My cousin Shay has an advice blog of sorts, and she ran a recent column on sex within marriage, specifically keeping things spicy after babies. We were discussing a different topic and she said that I should comment because I probably have a lot of insight into this subject. Maybe theoretically speaking... I may? But from experience, maybe not.

Honestly, we are not really sexually "active" at the moment, whatever that means. We're on a once every few weeks kind of schedule. There are probably a multitude of factors affecting our sex life, from finals to working at 6 in the morning at the bakery to moving across the world. You can blame it on the co-sleeping, but I think it has more to do with lack of desire than anything. I don't think if we really really wanted to Amir in the bed would not stop us. Because there are other places to do it besides the bed.

I'm convinced, and I've heard from a few very authoritative sources, that a side effect of the IUD is an unbearably low sex drive. I'm blaming it on that for now, because my body/sex drive does feel messed up and whacked out, not just low or on hold for a little while.

Maybe it's the breastfeeding hormones or maybe it's the mere fact that I have a parasite hanging from my body 16.7 hours a day, but I just have ZILCH sex drive ever since I had him. Even after a romantic date (ok, maybe we haven't been on any) or a night on the town (with baby in tow) and even when I'm well-rested and feeling pretty good, I still have no desire for sex. I'd rather clean the kitchen.

I'm sure all my readers are out there thinking "oh, poor Tim!" but honestly, if he was wanting it more often I would probably oblige him. Not because I have to though, according to my mom. She is of the perspective that a wife's duty to her husband requires regular conjugal visits or else he has a good excuse to find it somewhere else. While she later recanted that statement after a good rant from me, I am firm in the belief that a marriage does not require regular sex, and I don't think a husband needs regular sex to be satisfied within the marriage. Again with the readers thinking, "but what does Tim have to say about all this?" but he is actually firm in his belief of the same principle. He actually is more passionate (haha) about the fact that sex is not required for intimacy. we've had discussions and he can pretty heated about the fact that he does not want to have sex if I don't want to and will not be pressing the issue because he doesn't think it's necessary to be content in our marriage. Don't misunderstand though, we both think sex is great and beautiful and sacred, but if one or both parties has no desire then it's none of those things, it's just obligatory and boring.

And this is why the IUD will most likely be coming out right around with Amir turns one (I would like to wait longer... much longer, but I also really want to have sex with my husband and enjoy it). But if it does come out, we WILL be finding an alternative method because I will NOT be having another one of these precious little parasites anytime soon.


  1. i am glad you post so openly it always makes me happy :) and yes i will be open in my comment! :)

    I think its wonderful you both have the same feelings on sex and wont push each other into it. I don't think anyone should be guilted (is that even a word?) in to sex.

    I do however have think sex needs to be a regular part of a marriage, but honestly i think it is different for every couple....I know for us we need it often and both want it. I have not had any side effects from my IUD in that area, my tiredness seems to effect it most of all.

    I am glad you have such a great husband who feels the same as you. I have known too many women whos husbands dont get they just dont want to have sex very often. Tim is a great guy.

    Good luck finding an alternative method....we used condoms for years...granted Abby is the result of the lack of one one night but they really are not that bad.

  2. Your experience sounds very familiar with mine. When I was pregnant with Jade I had ZERO sex drive. I mean nothing during the whole pregnancy. I kept thinking that the second or third trimester would be better. And when it wasn't, I would hope and think that it would get better after I delivered, but it didn't.

    It was very frustrating because I didn't understand why my body was acting the COMPLETE opposite as it had before. It was also very frustrating for Jacob who wasn't used to this new me.

    I finally did some research and the only conclusion that I came up with was that it could be the hormones from breastfeeding. That wasn't the reason I had to stop early, but after I did, my body started going back to normal. So that could be a big factor into your situation too.

    This pregnancy however has been better. I'm still not at my "normal" but I'm definitely not at zero like I was before. Hope this all helps.

    Love ya.

  3. Oh, I was also on the pill after Jade was born, so that might have contributed to then too. Who knows. Hormones make your body crazy sometimes.

  4. this sounds exactly like me!! clean the kitchen instead!! it is s o true.
    i blame it in the iud hormones and breastfeeding hormones too. and i too am planning on getting it out around the time alice turns a year too.
    and where is this male birth control i heard was in the works a few years ago?? it needs to stop falling completely on the woman to make all birth control accomodations because i am sick of hormonal contraceptives and everything else doesn't really work as well(obviously)

  5. Having babies is murder on your sex life. If it's not the hormones then it's the exhaustion. If it's not the exhaustion it's the sick kid who insists on sleeping in your bed. If it's not the sick kid it's something else. Bleh.

  6. You know, I didn't think I had this particular side effect of the IUD. I have always loved sex and lots of it! But once I took it out, I wanted it more than I had before, which was already plenty. So, it could be the IUD. And I'm apparently a sex maniac.

  7. do you have the copper IUD? I've heard that those can zap your sex drive. However, I had the plastic one and had no such effects....

  8. I was a zombie with my IUD. I didn't want it in anymore. I have now had it removed, and I am slowly coming back to life.

  9. I have the mirena and I haven't had any trouble with sex drive with it. I did have zero sex drive while nursing. Once I quit, it came back though. You probably won't quit nursing at a year though, so I guess removing the IUD after a year is a good faith effort.

  10. i'm new to your blog and chanced upon this post. it's not my call to interfere with others' sex lives, but i think you are nuts. as a single gal deprived of such pleasures, i am begrudgingly envious. no guy i have ever dated would say he wants a marriage with or without sex on a frequent basis. but whatever works, or doesn't in your marriage, is your prerogative.