I want a place at the table, damnit

In Book of Mormon Girl, Joanna Brooks concludes her memoirs with a beautiful image that has stuck with me in the months since I read it: a large gathering of diverse people, chatting and sitting at a giant table. This is her dream for Mormonism. No one left out, no one made to feel like they can't contribute in their unique way.

My lovely and ever insightful sister Lauren had a wonderful conversation with me the other day, about how she wants us in the Church because she needs me to be and the Church at large needs us to be there to affect it for good in the direction of progress, not because I will surely wither away without it. And with her words, I could imagine a Mormon world where I could be a full and participating member. Though I struggle with issues in church history, I can chalk it up to the fallibility of man and the complexity of God's plan. Our short-sightedness leaves us vulnerable to misinterpretation, leading to doctrines that seem out of line with perhaps the truer principles of eternity. But right now, I can't be a full participant where my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters are excluded and even disparaged, where women are a lesser other, where doctrinal creativity and intellectual inquiry are actively discouraged. Tim tried to make an honest and open attempt to reconcile some of his upset with the gender-exclusive language of the Book of Mormon and was essentially told he was becoming an enemy of the Church and his grandchildren will be damned. Really people?! He was changing pronouns. It's amazing how ingrained the patriarchal system of the Church truly is.

If the LDS church could be a little more open to others and a little more open to questions and innovation, I think I could be more satisfied with my experience in it. I find so many of the core doctrines to be stunningly beautiful, to be breathtaking in their depth and magnitude. I want, want so desperately to partake in this beauty. I look at my wondrous children and can't help but think my love for them is more than biology, it's more than hormones and evolution's way of propagating the species. Tallulah... I knew that girl. I knew her. Emerging from my womb she had such an essence, and I stared into those eyes and I knew her for a thousand years.

we meet at last, my darling

I struggle to convince myself it is a trick of the neurons firing in my grey matter that sparked these emotions. I want to have faith in eternal families, in temples, and in the atonement as our path back to our home in the heavens, wherever that may be. And I am trying. I am praying. I am searching. I am pondering.

But the negativity and the backlash has left me discouraged. Hopeless even, that I might not ever be able to find a place at the table with my fellow Saints. On the other hand, our fellow UUs are actively encouraging us to pursue a dual-religious-affiliation household. They are urging us to retain the doctrines of the LDS church if we so choose, to fuse them with our newfound principles and the community we have found with them. Why are Mormons so afraid of other churches? Are we threatened that they might have more truth than us, in some aspect, shape, or form? Why, if I question the Mormon church's exclusive claim to truth, am I all of a sudden a terrible person?

And so, every night, I utter the same thoughts, and end with: "please, God, wherever you both may be. Find me a place at the table, amen."