Grad school in my future

A few weeks ago I had a dream about grad school. I was in class, and there were lots of really interesting people around and I was talking about my research and everyone asked lots of questions and thought I was really cool.

Kind of a boring dream. You probably wish I was in grad school and then raptors attacked and I was running through the stairwells and hallways of Wisconsin planning an escape route and then aliens landed and ate the raptors for dinner and we all sat down and smoked some hookah.

Sorry to disappoint, but the dream was actually really relevant to this post because of how it has changed my perspective of the future. You see, ever since I applied, was accepted, visited, and decided on Madison, I've been really, really nervous. Nervous I wouldn't fit in (what with my two kids and all), nervous I wouldn't be smart enough, nervous I wasn't suave or confident or well-traveled enough to be a grad student. I was surprised I even got in because it's a really good program, and so many little voices in my head tell me I'm not THAT smart. And after two kids, 99% of the time I simply do not feel all that intelligent. I almost picked Rutgers based on the fact it would be a heck of a lot easier. I dreaded starting because I could just see myself floundering and looking like an idiot in front of my cohort.

But I think this dream was my subconscious telling the other part of my subconscious: "get over it obviously you are smart enough and you will shine!" Ever since I dreamed myself there, the image has imprinted in my mind as the more likely situation, and I have felt a lot more eager to begin. And next week begins class registration and I'm taking: 1) French 2) Feminist Political Theory and 3) Statistics. I love all three of those things so, so dearly. Living at home with six kids, and solely caring for my two kids all day has me all giggly at the thought of being able to go to campus (without a diaper bag!), sit down in a classroom (sans kids!) and have a conversation with intellectual people (without being interrupted!) who also love feminism and politics (no one will think I'm overreacting to sexist memes on Facebook!). What a life.

 

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