New Name

If you don't get the reference (shame on you) it's a play on Little House in the Big Woods by Laura Ingalls Wilder, which we both love and which takes place in Wisconsin. We don't live in the house and the woods aren't big, but we still like the name. Here's a little map that puts our home into context.

Update: So apparently, the woods behind our apartment are actually called the "Big Woods" so the name has been changed again. I'm pretty sure I saw this before and that is why I wanted to change the name in the first place. Oh well.

Faith Crisis: Standing Up

I wrote this post a while back, but issues with a friend whose family is emotionally blackmailing her to get her to stay in the church pushed me to post it.

One of the big considerations that I made before posting about my faith crisis on this blog was whether or not it was right to make my changing beliefs public and whether or not this blog was the right place to do so. Emails or calls to individual family and friends seemed like, perhaps, the better option. A couple of things changed my mind. I knew that I was unlikely to hide any significant changes in our pattern of worship from the readership of this blog, as our worship patterns have been a large part of our weekly life, and we were sure to have some pictures or some stories that would reveal to everyone that we weren't attending the LDS church as we once did, and so publicly expressing the reasons for why that would be the case seemed prudent. The other reason was more selfish. I knew that if I made calls or sent emails only to those most affected by my crisis, namely, close family and close friends from my pre-college, fleeting friendship, days, I would only being revealing my crisis to those most likely to see it in a negative light. I believed, and I was right, that if I posted about my crisis here on the blog, I would likely get a more even mix of those who support me and those who are worried for me.

The reasons behind this post, which might end up being just as hurtful to those same people who found that first post so dreadful, are similar. This post is about me, standing up for the validity of the path I'm on, and for the high price that it has cost me. I do so publicly once again, when it could also be done in private, for a few reasons. The first, less selfish reason, is that I know that people are going through the same thing I am. They've reached out to me personally and privately, many afraid to share what they believe openly because of fear of facing the same social consequences that are evident in my journey by a perusal of the comments of my last few faith crisis posts. The second, more selfish reason, is for me to publicly push back against those people who have, through their comments to me and my family, both public and private, to take their dialogue with us to a very personal level in the past few days a month or so ago when I first drafted this post, mainly, it seems, because of this Book of More Women project that I started, mainly (and this is honest here) as an attempt to find a more comfortable place for myself WITHIN the LDS church.

Listen, you're free, and more than welcome, to disagree with me on matters of faith. The factors in play in any discussion about faith are mysterious by nature and enormous in scope. I welcome anyone who wishes to tell me the story of why they stay in the Church, or why they leave. I welcome the bearing of testimony and the expression of doubt. What I do not welcome is the questioning of my character in taking this journey.

I realize that the Church gives you permission to accuse anyone who doubts of sin or pride or self-deception. Elder Cook, in the very first talk of last conference said:

Many who are in a spiritual drought and lack commitment have not necessarily been involved in major sins or transgressions, but they have made unwise choices. Some are casual in their observance of sacred covenants. Others spend most of their time giving first-class devotion to lesser causes. Some allow intense cultural or political views to weaken their allegiance to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Some have immersed themselves in Internet materials that magnify, exaggerate, and, in some cases, invent shortcomings of early Church leaders. Then they draw incorrect conclusions that can affect testimony. Any who have made these choices can repent and be spiritually renewed.

In this quote, there is no room for anyone to have doubts, without having given into "political views" or "magnifying, exaggerating or inventing shortcomings of early Church leaders." That anyone could have legitimate doubts about the divinity of polygamy, the validity of Brigham Young's racism, or a male led church's resistance to the ERA, is, according to Elder Cook, seemingly impossible. To anyone who despairs that the modern Church is consistently unwilling to stand up for social justice or equality, those concerns are dismissed as "first-class devotion to lesser causes." That anyone could stand up against the Church's politically campaigning against gay marriage out of Christ centered love and compassion is also seemingly impossible.

The Church might give you permission to dismiss my doubts as trivial, or springing from a deep bed of sin, but I do not. Not without standing up for what I believe and for the knowledge and peace that I've won through long nights of turmoil and soul-searching doubt.

In my first blog post about my faith crisis, I said: "I actually wouldn't use the word crisis, because, while it has been difficult, I realized early on that being torn up about something as impenetrable to will as faith will help nothing" I have said similar things to many people with whom I have discussed my doubts about the church. I have said that it really hasn't been that big of deal and that it hasn't really affected me that much. I'll say now that what I said before is completely incorrect, I would, now, absolutely use the word crisis. I cannot put into words the emotional pain and turmoil that have been brought to me by my doubts in the faith that for my entire life has formed the core of my identity as a human being. Most of that pain has been internal, as I try to sort out my place in a universe that suddenly seems foreign, but a significant part of the pain has come from people willing to say hurtful things in order, somehow, to convince me to stay in the church by, apparently, humbling me into submission. The irrationality of trying to convince me to stay in a church with threats of disconnection and damnation, when those very same threats were used to keep our ancestors from joining this church, often leaves me baffled and disappointed.

The majority of people who have talked to me about my faith crisis have been calm, reasoned, loving, supportive, and most of all, trusting. Trusting in me and the path that I am on, but more than that, trusting in the goodness that they have found in their own faith, and trusting that, with time, I will come to a place of goodness too. For that, I am very grateful. But I also refuse to dismiss as irrational, prideful or sinful the most important spiritual journey of my life to this point.

Cheapest cellphone plan

The title of this blogpost is a blatant attempt to get search result traffic, although, since we don't have any ads, getting random people to come to our site really is pointless, except for stoking my own vanity. Anyway, here's another post bragging about how cheap we are. True. Also, some people have expressed interest in how we are doing our cell phone, so here are the details and how things are working so far. Skip this one if you don't care at all.

So, when we sold the car, we thought it was finally time to get a smart phone. There are so many buses around here, and we're so new to the city, that we really needed something more powerful and detailed than a bus system map. Also, smart phones are good for looking up the locations and hours of businesses, because it's a lot bigger pain to go all the way somewhere on a bike just to find out it's in the wrong place or closed. Anyway, we felt justified in being poor and still having a smart phone. Justified!

Anyway, but we were also poor, and cheap. So we looked into the cheapest way to do it, and after looking at a lot of different plans, we found something called Airvoice Wireless. It had pretty good reviews, so we decided to give it a shot. Here's our experience.

Airvoice is a pay-as-you go smartphone carrier. You can either pay for a certain number of minutes, or you can do like us and do the cheapest option possible. So we paid $10 (plus $4.99 for a SIM card) for three months. Each call we make is $.10, each text is $.10 and each MB of data is $.33. For some people, $10 would last like a day at these prices.

The thing is, at home, you can make high quality phone calls and get texts over wi-fi through google voice (or other similar services). We use an app called talkatone (very ugly, but very functional and near zero lag [which was a problem in other apps we tried]). We would have wi-fi either way, so these calls cost us nothing.

But we just don't use our cellphones that much. In fact, a month and a few days in, the only money we've spent is for a few test calls (although my old phone was still in service for some of that time, but I only took it out rarely).

We got a $100 iPhone 3GS because that was the cheapest iPhone we could find that still runs the latest software (we are hopeless Apple groupies). It is nice just to use it on the go even when we are not using 3G data, by downloading maps and schedules to it and as a camera and a distractor for the kids (so basically an iPod touch). I went to a lot of trouble learning how to jailbreak and unlock the phone, but in the end, that just got in my way and all I had to do was insert the SIM card (which fit perfect) and reset the network settings and restart the phone.

Looking back, it sounds like I'm trying to sell something. I am not. I am simply trying to brag. That is all.

Anyway, this has worked really well for us. I wrote this post because others might be interested in trying it, and I know we have friends that are as cheap as we are, but are afraid, like we were, of trying something they've never heard of. The best thing is, is that if something goes wrong, we've only spent $15 (not including the iPhone, which we could just get another plan for) and don't have anything even resembling a contract, so we don't have much to lose.

Really boring post over. I've got a religion post in the works (which seem to really get people going) so you can at least have that one to look forward to.

Week of January 27

Sunday: We had a lovely day going to the Unitarian Church in the morning (on time for once). The sermon was a really interesting one about the fourth principle of UUism, "A free and responsible search for truth" and how that doesn't mean "You can believe whatever you want." Instead it means that you commit yourself to believing the truths that you discover on your own personal search for truth. Very interesting.

Monday: Jenny the babysitter came, after a long absence. Atticus was very excited. I got some errands done and took a little personal time. That afternoon we had playgroup at our friend Nina's house and that was a lot of fun.

The scene right before babysitter Jenny came over

Our friend's son J. showing us how gender bending is done. He's German/Finnish/Swedish.
Can you tell?

Tuesday: School day. Great weather. Took Lula out for a nice long run and the kids played outside together for a long time. We had story time in the afternoon (or in the morning if you are Eliza and came at the wrong time). It was a little unorganized, but I am hoping to get it more organized in the future.

Wednesday: SNOW DAY! Cait still had school, but she came home early and we spent some good time in the snow. We'll save the videos and pictures for their own post.

Thursday: Thursday was a reset day. The kids sleeping schedules were off, so we let Atticus play PBSKids for a few hours while we cleaned and cooked and got the house reset, and then we put the kids to bed early so that we could do taxes together.

Friday: Atticus and I took an epic trip to the WIC clinic in near 0 degree temperatures. Luckily (thanks to planning and a smartphone) we got all the buses right on time and spent a minimal amount of time waiting in the cold. Then we came back home for naps and more cleaning. At night we went to a parenting seminar at the UU church about how to parent kids in an age of distraction.

Saturday: We spent most of today at a daylong parenting workshop at the UU Church that accompanied the seminar that focused on creating meaningful family rituals. They had childcare both days and lunch today, and we all had a really good time. This will likely get its own post soon.

This week I read: Rebecca by Daphne de Maurier

Preschoolers make the best housekeepers

Atticus is getting so, so good at helping around the house already. I love that he is going to grow up in a house where gender roles are not defined, and where he is expected to help. We try to not ever complain about cleaning up (which is hard, mostly for me), and make it fun. Tim always puts on music or a podcast to do the dishes. We often have family clean up time where we turn up the music and set a timer and speed clean the entire apartment (luckily, cleaning up 600 square feet takes about 15 minutes). When I was down in bed this week with mastitis, Atticus often would grab my rice bag and put it in the microwave and heat it up then bring it back to me. He (almost) always will clean up his games when he is finished playing, because he knows not to take out another until the current one is away (otherwise, our apartment would be a disaster of tiny figurines and cards). He often comes down to the laundry room and divides up the clothes between darks and lights and starts the washers, or moves clothes from the washer to the dryer. He likes to clean the bathroom with me, scrubbing out the toilet and spraying/wiping everything down with the vinegar. I love that our home is full of safe cleaning supplies so we can involve our kids in the process. 

Our vacuum is the perfect size for him to push around and he recently discovered how cool the hose is. He likes to sprinkle baking soda mixed with essential oils on the carpet and hose it up (thanks Austin, for the idea!)

I can only hope that his healthy relationship with housekeeping remains into the older years...

Sometimes he gets distracted sucking other things up as well, like his shirt.

Back to school

Although it feels like it has been a really lame Christmas break because we haven't traveled beyond two miles from our home in a few months, life is really quite lovely here in our little corner of the world. Though the kids have been sick a lot, we've gotten into quite a nice groove. Now, if we could get past teething and sleep deprivation... that would be another story. Poor Tallulah has FOUR top teeth on the verge of breaking through, and have been that way for weeks. She is grumpy, and it makes me grumpy. Atticus had a nasty case of the flu, and so we spent a whole weekend cooped up and I realized how much we rely on these weekly rituals... UU church, Mormon church, pizza night, preschool.

I started back to school last week. I've missed being in the classroom, and it feels good to start afresh, though I've felt a bit unorganized and need to crack down on my Facebook time/blogging time (oops)/general not doing schoolwork time. I spent the break reading feminist multicultural romance novels and listening to FMH podcasts, but was able to get in some readings for classes as well, but there is still a lot to do this semester. I think I calculated I'll be writing 150 pages of papers (one 40-50 page one, two 20 page ones and several shorter reaction papers). That's a lot of writing. Add to that two hours a day of language study + 600 pages of reading a week + grant apps for the summer that I should have turned in already = one busy mama student. If I can get in my groove I won't spend much longer than 6 hours a day during the week and almost no time on the weekends, but finding that groove can be hard. Luckily, much of my reading can be done on the iPad while nursing Tallulah at night (which we're doing a lot of lately...) so I get a lot done then. But alas, the work is seemingly never-ending sometimes.

Here is some photographic evidences of life:

Russian pirozhkis in the making (Atticus took this one)

He is getting so good at writing! (he wrote all of To, From, and Atticu by himself... I helped the Felix and the S). Atticus took this picture too.

In a stroller that we bought and then sold.

Baby loves her outside time!

We go to the chiropractor a lot lately (it's helped our kids sickness quite a bit actually)

"What is he DOING with his life??"

There are few things that bug me more than people thinking Tim is lazy because he's isn't DOING ANYTHING with his life. When they would never have that assumption of a mother who was staying at home with her children.

"Oh, Tallulah is 18 months next year, time to put her in daycare so Tim can DO SOMETHING with his life."

Yeah, ok, so he IS DOING SOMETHING. He is being a parent, and a dang good stay-at-home parent at that. And not to compare, but he's probably doing better than most stay-at-home moms. This week, he even organized a storytime play group to beat the winter blues. He is always on time to pick Atticus up from preschool. He packs nutritious lunches. He (could) make dinner every night, but sometimes I co-opt it (because I like to cook). He does the grocery-shopping.... by bike. With kids. He cloth-diapers. He takes the kids to pediatrician appointments. He walks Tallulah outside in the Ergo every time she needs a nap because I let her get too addicted to nursing to sleep. He reads a million books to Atticus and never gets bored of it. He is the best Lego/Lincoln Logs/train set builder (I get bored after about 5 minutes). Our kids spend their days playing in the sink, being run in the jogging stroller, and going to the Bookmobile all while listening to NPR. They are well-fed and well-clothed and Atticus (almost) never watches TV. He has this new app for organization, so he keeps the house clean, reads several books a week, takes a vitamin every day, and does yoga in the living room. How many SAHMs can brag about that??

I will admit Tim struggled at the beginning and I was frequently annoyed with his lack of ability to keep the house clean and kids fed. But... he has really progressed, and let's not let this go unsaid. I do believe he would defend my parenting honor should it ever be questioned (which it won't, because society NEVER, EVER EVER can be critical of a mother unless she is a drug addict). On the other hand, it's kind of cool to have your roles reversed in a way. When Tim is out, people are like "wow, you are a great dad, look at you being nurturing" and then when I'm at school rocking my classes everyone is all like "wow, I don't know how you do it, you're like the best student and mom ever."





Anyways.... next time you are tempted to think a SAHD needs to be "doing something" with his life, you can think it, but don't say it out loud, especially to me. Unless you want me to write a blog post praising my wonderful, feminist husband, then feel free.

Tim says this one looks like he's taping Lu's mouth shut while Atticus is playing iPhone, thus showing his inferiority as a parent. Actually, Atticus is learning to type his name and Tim is wiping boogs off of Boogs. 

Tim is so creative with his sensory projects (snow on a cutting board).

Yoga.

The color experiment (one of Atticus's many art activities).

Pre-bed Mr. Rogers watching.

Week of January 20

Sunday: Sick kids. I went to UU church in the morning, but most of the rest of the day was devoted to dealing with sick kids.

Monday: More sick kids. Everyone was sick of being home all day, but there was no where to go because everyone was sick and it was cold outside.

Tuesday: We went to the doctor today to try to figure things out, but they had nothing they could do for us.

Wednesday: The last really sick day. I went out in the afternoon to go to the dentist and the library. What would have been pretty easy with a car, was quite an adventure on the bus. Although, it was very snowy and that would have made driving a pain. After I got back, Cait went to teach yoga to the young women in the ward, and even though only one showed up, she really enjoyed it. We'll see if it inspires a different career course.

Thursday: Atticus was finally better and went to school, which was certainly a blessing. At night, we had a lecture night at our house, which is something that some people in our ward started a while back. I lectured on Twilight and how it reflects and complicates Mormon themes and how it is hard to really judge whether a book is good or not with some Jungian theory thrown in. It was nice.

Friday: A relaxed day at home before a well-attended pizza night. Thanks for coming everyone!

Saturday: Chores in the morning with a birthday party in the afternoon for Atticus's friend Felix. It was Angry Bird themed, which Atticus loved. It was also put on by Felix's Finnish mom, which apparently means filled with sugary sweets, which I loved. Also, we got a new niece! Congratulations Hillary and Devin. We also had a nice night babysitting a lovely little girl named Lilly. If only our kids could be that chill once in a while.

Lincoln Log house made by Guy and Mom

Beginning to figure out utensils

Talking to Grandma Betsey

Bathtime baby(ies)

Trying to recreate this pic, but Tallulah wasn't very happy to be taken from her toys.

"Where's the water?"

This is the best way to feed her yogurt. 

Our videographer child

And then he gets distracted....